***
I sit on the edge of one of the beds and stare blankly at the carpet. It's a deep burgundy with a plain, generic pattern woven through, probably meant to disguise any stains that settle into the fabric. It must be working because the carpet looks clean.
I know I should cry. I feel my body on the verge of tears, promising that they'll spring to my eyes the moment I let my wall down. But I don't. I'm not ready to let myself feel yet.
To distract myself, I turn my thoughts to my next move. Where do I go from here? Do I continue driving, or do I stay in Portland? Either option, I'll need somewhere to stay long-term and with my age, hotels are off the table.
Then, there's the issue of money. I have enough in my bank account to get by for a few weeks, but I'll need a source of income if I'm going to survive this far away from home.
As the night drags on, I begin to formulate a plan. By midnight, I'm satisfied that I've covered most of my bases and have a list of things to accomplish tomorrow and over the coming days.
I lay back in the bed and close my eyes. I can feel those thoughts creeping back up on me now that my brain is no longer occupied. I don't have much strength left to push them away.
My parents probably haven't tried to contact me yet, more than likely too wrapped up in salvaging their marriage to worry about me. Though they'd never admit it, I know I've been the main subject of their fights for the past several months, each one escalating further than the last.
James, however... Guilt strikes deep into my chest. I've been keeping my plans to leave a secret from him and he doesn't even know what happened today. He's currently on a snowboarding trip with friends, one I turned down with a fake excuse, and won't find out about my departure until he returns home in a few days and finds my things gone. I know he won't take it well, he might even try to haul me back if he finds out where I am.
They don't realize it yet, but my leaving is for the best. You can't heal in the same environment that broke you.
***
PRESENT DAY
I feel worn down after falling apart last night. It’s funny how four years can feel like just yesterday, the memories just as fresh and easy to unearth. I’ll never regret it—moving to Portland. Even though I felt indescribably lost, which I definitely had been, I found parts of myself that could’ve only came about in those exact circumstances. Parts of myself that helped me pick myself up from the floor, dust myself off, and make a proper life out of the rubble.
I glance at the clock on the stove—9:56am. James still isn’t back from Vanessa’s.
I glance back down to the table where my pharmacology textbook lays. I’ve been steadily making a dent in my coursework for my Master’s degree in Nursing and I’m already two weeks ahead of the lesson plan in most of my classes. Except for this one.
Fluoxetine, fluvoxamine, fluphenazine… I groan. After two hours of staring at drug names they’re all starting to sound the same to me.
My phone buzzes on the table, drawing my attention away from my textbook. I pick it up.
James
It’s a beautiful day to shred! Van and I will be at the house in 20. Your snowboard is still in the basement.
I crinkle my brow. Snowboarding? The mountain opened an hour ago and it’d take us at least two hours to get to Crystal.
I look back down at my pharmacology work, the words blurring together without registering in my brain. I suppose I could use a break.
I text back a thumbs up emoji and shut my textbook.
Twenty minutes later I have my bib on and am piling my jacket and boots by the door. I already grabbed my old board from the storage room in the basement and I look it over for a moment.
I haven’t touched it in four years, but the bright purple and blue design on the bottom looks just as sweet as when I bought it. I brush some dust off the bindings and smile. I’m going to slide on my ass all the way down the mountain, but it’s going to feel fucking great.
A horn honks outside and I take a quick second to run through a mental inventory of everything I need.
Beanie, helmet, goggles, gloves, jacket, boots, balaclava.
The horn sounds again and I roll my eyes before gathering everything up into my arms and pulling open the door. Impatient asses.
James’s 4Runner is in the driveway, the tires having made fresh tracks in the snow that fell overnight. I trudge over to the vehicle, smiling at my brother and Vanessa through the windshield. James gets out and walks around to the back, opening the hatch for me.
“Hey, Em. Ready to get closely acquainted with the ground today?” He teases, grabbing my snowboard and sliding it in next to his own board and Vanessa’s pair of skis.
“Boy, am I ever,” I respond, sticking my tongue out. He chuckles and helps me load the rest of my gear into the back.
“Is it just the three of us?” I question, noticing that the other two stooges, Moose and Russell, are missing.
James shakes his head, “The boys are already up there. Van and I weren’t planning on going, but we figured you’d probably enjoy it since you haven’t been in a hot minute. I’m glad to see you’re excited.”
“Well, how sweet of you, brother.” I tease, reaching out to lightly push his shoulder.
“You can thank me again when we hit all the traffic from everyone else who didn’t leave early enough. Last time it took us thirty minutes to go ten miles.”
I groan. That is going to be painful.
We load back into the car and I smile at Vanessa. She’s just about the same as I remember, with dark olive skin and rich mahogany brown hair pulled into an intricate braid. She’s wearing a bright blue bib with a cream Patagonia underneath, looking 10x more put together than myself.
“Hey, Vanessa! Long time, no see.”
She smiles back, “Hey yourself. How’s your time back in town been?”
“Good! It’s been good,” I nod. “I forgot how much I missed being around everyone here and I’ve enjoyed catching up and hearing the gossip of all I’ve missed.”
“Believe me, you haven’t even heard the best of it yet,” James chimes in as we reverse out of the driveway. “You should ask Russ about Nila. I can guarantee he won’t shut up about her for at least forty-five minutes.”
I raise my eyebrows, curious. I don’t recognize the name and Russell has never been one to get involved with girls, so I’m interested to hear the rest of the details.
Vanessa nods her head vigorously in agreement, “Absolutely! I was surprised when James told me about it, so I’m sure you will be as well.”
“I’ll be sure to nag him about it later,” I say, making a mental note. “Anything else juicy that I should know?”
Vanessa glances at James for a second before answering, “There’s definitely a lot more, but I’ll leave that to someone else to share.”
I flick my gaze to James and notice he’s purposely avoiding my eyes in the rear view mirror. Interesting.
“Vanessa, do you want to put on some music?” He changes the subject. “I think we need something to hype us up. Good music can make or break a run, especially for those of us who’ll be spending their time eating snow.”
I scoff, not missing the jab. Vanessa laughs and nods, plugging her phone into the sound system.
We fall into easy conversation as we make our way up to the mountain, but my mind continues to churn, trying to decipher what James is keeping from me.
***
