**Cameron**
It turns out punishment sex is way better than apology sex. I feel a million times better now that the air is cleared between Holden and I, and the sting of embarrassment I felt about my juvenile outlook on my family situation is slowly fading.
Holden made me feel better, like he always does. He punished me, like he said he would, but through his punishment, he also made me feel seen.
He sees my pain and soothes it.
He sees my embarrassment and makes me smile through it.
He sees my rage and directs it elsewhere.
He sees my hopes and never lets me feel stupid for them.
He sees my shame and makes me feel shameless.
Holden is whoever I need him to be at any given moment; he doesn’t ask me who I need, what I need, or how I’m doing, he just acts, and he never gets it wrong. Maybe he does get it wrong, but his wrong always feels so right.
As soon as Holden’s deep breathing turns to soft snores, I leave him in our bed to catch up on the sleep I’ve been stealing from him every night. I set an alarm for three hours so that he can still work later this afternoon.
I make it to my afternoon class, get lost in creative writing for three hours and I arrive at Ben’s school ten minutes early. I’m standing outside of his school, a little distance away from all the other parents, and as soon as I see Ben’s face emerge through the crowd of kids, I feel one hundred percent better.
“Hey, baby!” I scoop him up and crush him with a hug.
“Don’t call me baby, Aunt Cam.” He laughs but I know he’s serious. He thinks the nickname makes him sound like a kid, which apparently, he isn’t.
“How was your first day?” I ask instead; I refuse to let him think he’s so grown up.
“Good.” He beams a full smile, complete with rosy cheeks and everything. “My teacher's name is Mrs. Tamda and she has a dog.” He hops in the car seat and buckles himself in.
“A dog, eh?” I smirk at him; this kid is relentless about wanting a dog. “What’s its name?” I climb into the driver’s seat and dread asking Ben if he wants to go see his dad.
“His name is Tucker. He’s a beagle. I wrote it down in my journal.” He meets my eyes in the rear-view mirror. I wonder if he spelled beagle right. “I’m gonna get a dog someday,” he states. Facts.
“I’m sure you are.” I grin at him. “Do you want to go see your dad?” I throw the question at him while he’s distracted by the dog story; maybe if I ask him now, he’ll say yes and then continue to ramble about school on the drive to the hospital.
“Let’s go see Uncle Holden,” he counters in a witty voice.
I don’t know what to think of that. I absolutely love that Ben is so fond of Holden, but I don’t want him to shut Bode out. Bode finally has the chance to be a good dad, he just needs to earn Ben’s trust again.
“Holden’s busy, baby. We can see him later.”
“Fine.” He doesn’t talk to me anymore after that.

“Hey, bud. How was school?” Bode asks as soon as we walk into his hospital room. I had to buy Ben a KitKat bar just to get him in the front fucking door.
“Good.” He gives his dad a much less detailed answer.
I’m going to have to sit down with Ben and make sure he knows Bode isn’t a bad guy; I might even have to get Holden on board with that plan. Bode has a lot of making up to do, but he’s a good dad and Ben will learn to trust him eventually.
“How’re you feeling?” I ask my brother because Ben won’t.
“Yeah, alright.” He sighs and glances at Ben with a broken heart. “They say I can get out of here in the next few days as long as nothing opens up.” He smiles at Ben. “I listed the house. Used that realtor friend of Katherine’s.” Bode admits.
I’m really fucking happy to hear that.
“Good. Are you looking for a new place already or what’s your plan?” I ask.
Ben perks up. “We’re moving?” He finally takes a little interest in the conversation, but he continues to fiddle with all the tubes and wires connected to Bode.
“Yeah, you okay with that, bud?” Bode asks his son.
“Yeah,” Ben mumbles with a bit more eagerness. “I hate that house anyway.” He doesn’t look at Bode as he admits that.
“I know,” Bode admits. “I’m sorry about that.” Bode reaches for Ben’s hand. “Hey, Katherine’s friend is taking me to look at some new places in a few days. Want to come help me pick one out?”
Ben tries to hide his excitement. “A man friend?” He double-checks.
“A lady friend.”
“Okay!” His excitement comes out full force now.
“What do you think about moving a little closer to Aunt Cam and Holden?” Bode asks.
Ben’s face lights up; I know this hurts Bode, but at the same time, my brother knows he has four years of fuck ups to make up for.
“Yeah!” Ben finally hops up on the hospital bed to sit with his father. “Maybe somewhere with a balcony or a roof, dad. Maybe we can get a telescope and we can look at the stars and then I can get one of those lights that clips to my journal and I can write it all down and you can tell me what you see and I’ll write that down, too,” he rambles a million miles per minute.
Bode laughs. “You know, you’re allowed to look through the telescope, too. You don’t always have to be the one to write things down.”
Ben flushes a little; I know Holden gave him a similar speech. “I know.”
“We can look. A place with a balcony!” Bode confirms.
“And somewhere near a dog park,” Ben adds to his list of demands.
Bode raises a brow. “Do you have a dog that I don’t know about?” He pokes Ben in the stomach.
Ben giggles like an actual child. “No, but I know we’re gonna get one soon. I just know.” He continues to giggle through his subliminal messages to his dad.
I can’t specifically say why, but this moment, this conversation, this fresh start between father and son will forever remain in my mind as a fond memory.
Ben and Bode are going to be okay.
I feel a thousand times better now.
I’ve always been the ‘protector,’ the responsible one, the one to clean up Bode’s messes and take care of Ben when no one else could. As happy as I am about Bode taking on that role for himself, it leaves me wondering what type of place I have in their lives now.
Do I just become the aunt? Am I around for a different kind of support? Does this free up my obligations a little because I can count on Bode for once, and now is my time to focus on myself? Do I get to go back to being a university student and a girlfriend learning to navigate a new relationship?
There’s still darkness. Sure, I can be a student, but I’m also wondering what the hell is going to happen to my family who is sitting in Garron’s old stall. Ivan is the boss of the Bratva, Viktor is watching over them, Bode is alert and involved…but me…I’ve always been a decision-maker, and I have this weird feeling that everyone is going to look to me to decide their fate.
Do I want that responsibility?
I know one thing and one thing only—I need to know why they did what they did and I need to know who else to fear. That is all I care about right now. All other decisions can come later.
Life has been crazy ever since I met Holden Taylor. We had a short stretch of time where we got to act like a couple, but not near enough. I’m craving that now.
I say goodbye to Bode and Ben; Katherine and Nathan are coming to pick him up later, and I head home.
I know Holden has a lot of work to do tonight, and I have homework and assignments to do, but I’m craving the normality of sitting around the living room, together, while we do our normal things.
