Quick A/N: This book will deal with themes of depression, anxiety, suicide ideation and self-harm. As always my books that are centred around mental health all have happy endings, but I want to promote these issues in a realistic and relatable way. All I can say is that if anyone is struggling, reach out and talk to those around you. You are not alone xxx
Alex’s POV
I have felt numb for days, weeks. I don’t even know what day it is anymore or what the time is. Everything seems to pass so slowly, then quickly, then slowly again. I’m losing my mind and I don’t know how to cope.
He’s gone. He’s gone.
And now what am I supposed to do without him?
He was my best friend. My brother. The only person in this world that I trusted my life with.
I want to fight but I can’t. I don’t know how when I end up mourning him instead. Nothing is going to bring him back, I will never speak to him again, hug him again. He will never be in my life again and I cannot accept it.
Everything hurts all the time. Heartache is painful when you lose someone close to you.
My life will change forever. It already has changed.
I don’t want to be here anymore. Not without him. I can’t be here without him.
Deep down I know he’d want me to get up and move on but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I force myself to believe in what he would want for me, I end up back in that dark place all over again.
When I don’t know what to do, I find myself visiting the town he used to live. Somehow I think it will bring me closer to him but it only hurts more because he’s not here, he’s not thriving in the town where he brought so much happiness to so many people.
What’s the point, what’s the point, what’s the point?
Today is one of those days. I’m down, I’m distraught, I’m done with feeling like this.
My eyes have dried up. I haven’t cried for almost a week. There are probably no tears left for me to cry. My body has gone into shut down mode.
The weight in my chest is excruciating. It has to be done today. It has to be over.
But what would Liam want?
What would Liam want… he’d want me to stay and fight. He’d want me to live my life for him. To do the things he couldn’t. To be happy. To find my light again.
If this were true, the universe would give me a sign.
It would tell me that he’s looking down on me. That he’s looking after me.
But everything in this world feels bland. Nothing is special without him. How am I to know what is a sign and what isn’t? Fuck. I’m so confused. I’m so numb. I am empty.
I forget that I’m walking through town, barely glancing at the people I pass by. Right now they’re irrelevant, everything feels irrelevant.
Liam worked in this town, he brought it to life and yet I cannot feel the essence of him. I wish I came to visit him more, I wish I got to know what exactly he did to transform this town. I wish for a lot of things. I wish for more time with him.
My shoulder barges into someone else and I snap my lifeless eyes to them, muttering a ‘sorry’ under my breath as they stare me down for my clear ignorance. For the first time in what feels like forever, I look up.
The highstreet is busy and people are rushing around, shopping bags clung to their hands and chatting away. When the buzz collides with my ears, suddenly I’m startled and the sunlight burns my eyes.
I stare straight ahead when I see a handwritten cardboard sign in the distance. My eyebrows crease, glancing at the man who is standing wearing a blindfold with the cardboard between his fingers.
In bright green letters it says.’You are not alone. If you need a talk or a hug. I am here.’
For a moment I stop walking, looking at the guy who has full trust in the public. But why is he doing this?
My chest constricts. I asked for a sign. I wanted a sign.
Could this be it? It is a literal sign.
I can barely talk to my dad about my pain because I know what he’s feeling is the same, if not worse. He lost his son. I’ve lost my brother. It hurts but they’re different types of pain.
No one approaches the guy but he stands still, a soft smile on his face.
I can’t ignore this now. I can’t.
Liam wanted you to see this.
With shaky legs I make my way over to the stranger, I can’t believe I’m doing this but I don’t think I have any other choice. What else will I do if I don’t? It might end badly for me and I don’t want to make a mistake.
I stop in front of him, mouth opening and shutting again. I’m apprehensive at first. I feel like an idiot.
Everything is quaking inside me. Heart pounding like a tribe of elephants running.
I inhale deeply and nod to myself. “Hi,” I mumble, keeping focused on his black blindfold.
“Hi,” he says softly. “How are you today?”
My teeth bite down on my bottom lip, swallowing hesitantly. “Not great,” my voice is just above a whisper. Pressure builds in the back of my eyes and I know I’m close to tears, it’s been so long. “Could I have a hug?”
God, I need a hug. I need human contact more than anything right now.
“Of course,” he opens up his arms and I fall into them, wrapping them tightly around his back. The stranger does the same, I’m sure he can hear my heart thrashing. “Whatever it is, you can let it out. That’s what I’m here for.”
My face pushes down into his shoulder, he even smells nice and it’s oddly comforting. I never want to let go. A hug means everything, even from someone you don’t know.
“I told myself if I found a sign not to,” a small cry erupts from the back of my throat. “That I shouldn’t.”
He somehow holds me tighter, afraid I’ll slip away but I’m not. His arms are the only thing that is keeping me stable right now. “You shouldn’t what?”
“End it all today.”
The guy pulls back and whips off his blindfold, revealing his face to me. Suddenly I feel in the spotlight, my throat closing up because I wish I never said anything. I am broken but he doesn’t need to know that.
His emerald green eyes flick between mine frantically. “I’m sorry,” I mutter and attempt to step back. “That was too much to say. I’m so–”
Fingers are wrapped around my wrist and gently I’m pulled backwards. “Please don’t walk away,” his voice remains calm and soothing. “Don’t apologise for saying anything.” Then he lets go of my wrist when I find his eyes again. “But I’m sorry for touching you.”
I’m suddenly severely anxious. I have no idea what to do. I’m about to self-destruct any given second and it’s like he can see that in my eyes, in my body language.
“Would you like to grab a coffee with me?” He asks, tilting his head ever so slightly. “We can talk about things if you’d like.”
I part my dry lips, attempting to lick them so I can speak without stumbling over my words. For a moment I take in his appearance, he can’t be much older than me. He’s young and he’s thoughtful.
“I don’t want to take up your time.”
The guys shrugs softly. “I’m overdue for a break. I’ve been standing here for three hours. I could really do with a sit down and a drink. I’d like for you to join me. If you want?”
I know I should. Otherwise I don’t know what will happen if I walk away but I can’t ignore the bundle of guilt in my stomach for this stranger, about to listen to my nonsense life when he’s definitely got better things to do.
“Hey,” he says with another smile. “Don’t overthink it. Just come for a drink. I promise I don’t bite.”
My head nods other than words. He collects his things and I follow behind him, it takes about two minutes until we enter a coffee shop. I let him sit down first because I don’t want to look at anyone, I know my eyes are burning red.
“What would you like?” He asks.
I shake my head. “I can get it.”
“Honestly,” his voice forces my eyes to snap to his. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
In my mind I want to argue but I’m tired and I cannot find it in me to. So I agree and ask for a regular tea. Whilst he’s gone I stare down at the table with trembling hands. I can’t believe I’m doing this. How did I manage to pluck up the courage to do this?
Soon he comes back with our drinks and I mumble a thank you, then feel instantly guilty for not being more enthusiastic for a free drink. He sits opposite me and for a moment we’re both silent, I’m vibrating continuously.
“What’s been going on with you?” He asks after giving me a minute to settle in.
I can’t look at him. Instead I focus on my drink so I don’t break down. “I lost someone extremely close to me,” I pause because my mouth dries up. “And I’m struggling.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” he expresses and I can sense the sympathy in his voice. “I understand how hard it is to lose someone you care about.”
With this I look at him, not realising tears have coated my eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” my voice cracks. “I’ve lost sense of myself. I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. It is killing me.”
His face softens, his hands inching closer but he doesn’t touch me. “Do you have anyone close to you that you can talk to on a regular basis?”
“I have my dad but,” I shake my head and shut my eyes. “He’s grieving too and I don’t know if I can put all of my struggles on him when he’s struggling just as bad. I just–” I cut myself off to run a hand down my face. “-I don’t know what to do.”
“Hey,” he whispers and I glance at him, a tear rolling down my cheek. “You’re not alone and it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. Grieving is natural, it’s normal and you have every right to be upset, to miss them. But your dad, you should talk to him. He knows exactly what you’re going through and you’ll be able to understand him too.”
My head buries into my hands. “I feel like a burden.”
“You are not a burden. You matter just as much as everyone else.”
I almost release a sob but I stop myself, pushing away my tears and staring back at this overly generous stranger. He has no need to do this but he is anyway.
“What do you like to do for fun?” His question throws me off.
My eyes feel heavy when I look at him but his expression shows me that he genuinely cares, that he wants to listen and for the first time in a while, I feel like I can breathe a little.
I clear my throat. “I like to cook and I like to read sometimes.”
He smiles in my direction warmly. “What do you like to cook?”
“Everything,” I admit. “I like to try out new things all the time.”
“Well, when you’re struggling or having a bad day. Focus on the things you love, keep yourself busy with the things that make you enjoy life. If you aren’t enjoying something, then move on to something else. Being distracted is the easiest way to grieve,” he takes a small sip from his cup of coffee.
I wipe my eyes. “It’s hard to be motivated.”
“I completely get that,” his eyes soften. “But please, whatever you’re going to do after you leave here. Call your dad or a friend. Don’t suffer alone. You never have to suffer alone. If you don’t want to call them, you can call the Samaritans. Or there are lots of different charities online that can help. Don’t give up.”
His green eyes hold mine and suddenly I am breathing again. Sometimes these words are hard to hear but they’re everything I need right now. Words of encouragement. Especially when I haven’t spoken to anyone about this in what seems like forever.
“I thought it would get better with time,” I murmur under my breath and he shifts closer to listen. “But it hasn’t. It’s been weeks and I still feel awful.”
“It doesn’t necessarily get better but I promise it gets easier,” he wraps his fingers around his mug and I watch. “With time you learn how to cope with your emotions and your grief. You learn how to live with the pain but in that time you remember the memories, you find small messages that they’re giving you, you speak to your loved ones. It isn’t the end, it’s never the end. No matter how hard it is.”
The stranger doesn’t patronise me or try to belittle me. He’s trying to help and I have never felt more grateful for someone’s time in my whole entire life. I still feel numb and I still feel empty, but maybe there is a bit of hope.
I should call my dad. I should be with him right now if I’m feeling like this.
I don’t want to end it all today. Not if things can get easier. If I can learn to live with it.
I want Liam to be proud of me. I want him to be watching over me, smiling and cheering me on through life. I don’t want to let him down. I don’t want to let anyone down.
And my dad. I can’t leave him here without two sons. I can’t.
“Thank you,” I say with a teary whisper.
“Don’t thank me,” he shakes his head with a smile. “We all struggle, we all find ourselves in dark places. But if we all talk to someone, we can help each other more than we think.”
And with that I pluck my phone from my pocket and call my dad instantly.
. . .
Author's Note
Read up to chapter 11 on Patreon!
www.patreon.com/dreammcatcher
Link also in bio!
Hello my loves. Welcome to Signs From The Universe. I can't wait to get stuck into this story!
What did you guys think so far?
Alex's grief really hurts to write but I love a story about progression and coming out stronger on the other side!
See you on the next one. Love Sav x
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