There I stood in front of my house, reluctant to go inside to face the truth.
Honestly, it was torture.
I could not bear it if my sister started shouting and Rin started to cry. As I was pacing, Rin came out and saw me. She uttered a cry, running towards me and hugging me with tears of joy. I could only hold onto her and embrace her without a word.
Yuriko came out and hugged me tightly while she clung to me which was totally uncalled for. They both led me into the house and Rin ran to prepare a bath for me. Yuriko asked me to sit down and warm myself up. As I sat down, I could sense that she knew everything all along.
However before I could ask her, Rin came running down and said the bath was ready. She pushed me upstairs and into the bathroom. I undressed and looked in the mirror. How do I do this? I stared at my reflection, pushing out any thought of uncertainty. Nothing helps. Finally, I got in and lay in the bath. How am I ever going to get through this?
After soaking myself for a considerable amount of time for bathtime, I got out of the bath, dressed, and went downstairs. Rin and Yuriko were both having tea in the living room. I took a deep breath and entered. As I sat down, I took a sip of tea before I started.
“I have something to tell both of you. You have every right to get mad and shout at me. However, I wanted to make myself clear and be truthful to both of you; since you are my most beloved family.”
I ignored the twinge of pain and uncertainty at the back of my head and focused on letting out my thoughts and clarity. I diverted my eyes, knowing I would most probably shed tears if I looked at Rin or my sister. My gaze burned onto the cup of tea in front of me.
The stillness of the liquid somehow made me calmer and stronger to go on.
Finally, everything was said within the next 15 minutes.
The house was silent. No one spoke a word.
I released a shaky breath, waiting for a response, a sound, anything. Slowly, I lifted my gaze and tilted it toward Rin and my sister. Their faces were expressionless. Rin seemed to be on the edge of tears. We made eye contact but neither of us spoke a word.
I stood up and headed to my room. I closed the door and sank down onto my knees, weeping uncontrollably. I did not mean to cry, but tears flowed from my eyes one drop at a time, making my vision blurry.
Recalling their reaction to the truth, was the hardest that I had ever endured. My mind had sought the plan to escape once more but my reflex took the initiative; I must stay.
I was right.
If I escape now, it would be just as before with my own blood-related family, whom I had abandoned for freedom; and look at just what happened when I did.
I settled my feelings and went down once more to find Rin hugging Yuriko. I went over and apologized once more to her and hung my head in guilt. The betrayal I did could never be forgiven.
Rin looked at me with an unreadable expression. She slowly reached out and patted my head, touching my cheek as she stared into my eyes. I was shocked, for she had always been a mature lady but now her calmness had actually eased to condemn me. I touched her hand and held it tight while staring back at her; looking for a hint of conversation.
In a matter of seconds, her eyes lit up and she smiled at me.
“It is not your fault. I always knew that I wasn’t the one meant for you. We looked perfect as people say, but you never showed such feelings towards me. I can see it in your eyes when we’re together. It was merely more towards a sister.” She whispered softly.
I was dumbfounded as my tears fell once more, streaming down my cheeks. Rin knew me more than I did. I hugged her and for once I meant what I said.
“I truly love you, Rin.”
Yuriko just stared at me, initiating a silent conversation. I knew she wanted to speak with me. However, I was ready before she was. Ready for my reveal.
“Rin, I think it is time for you to know my past. I should have been frank with you from the beginning so none of this would have happened.”
Breathing in sharply, I told her the secret of my past and the cause of my current gender. First, she was horrified by the incident of my “gender change”. She gasped out and looked at my sister horrifyingly while my sister nodded.
“I apologize to you for not telling you about my actual gender. I understand if you feel disgusted with me.”
Rin was silent for a minute before she whispered, “Does he know about it?”
I flinched and looked away. I mumbled softly, “He doesn’t know.”
I started to feel numb at the thought of Kawamura-San ---Shin--- finding out about my past. He was the one person in this world that I hoped would not know.
My sister studied my expression and added, “You should tell him the truth. If he really loves you, he will not be affected. In a lot of ways, he deserves to know this more than Rin.”
I nodded silently. She was right. I need to tell Shin regardless of the outcome.
After dinner, I entered my room and took out my phone. I dialled Shin’s number and waited. On the fifth ring, he answered.
“I have a second instinct that you wouldn’t contact me today.”
As his gentle voice flowed through my ear, I was mesmerized. I stammered with my words as they tumbled out with uneasiness.
Shin chuckled deeply, “I missed your voice. I forget how cute you sounded the night before. So when are you coming to my arms so I can eat you up bit by bit until you can’t get enough of me? Maybe I should tease you harshly enough to make you want me before I want you to beg me.”
I moaned slightly at his evil teasing tone and replied, “If you want, I can go back tomorrow. I have something to tell you in person.”
I bit my lips when I thought of that and grew silent. We agreed to meet at the same place as before since he has no work that needs to be done. I hung up after I said goodbye and flopped down on my bed.
How should I tell him?
Will he get mad? Or worse, will he abandon me?
My heart gave a tight squeeze as I thought of Shin leaving me for another person.
I could not bear it.
Eventually, I closed my eyes and stared at the ceiling. Please, please just let me stay by his side.
I would give up my life for that...
