“Be mine.”
For the past week, these words have haunted my thoughts. Letting me know there was someone out there. Someone who wanted me. Me who was not meant to be loved.
I remembered Jin’s expression. He was cautious, he was gentle, and he was kind. He did not push for an answer. But he needed one. He deserved an answer.
My mind could not function. It was sending all sorts of mixed signals, useless signals. For once I was glad to be supervised in the hospital. Just being stuck at the hospital gave me time to think. Despite chaos clouding my mental vision, I could make out my primary answer.
I wanted him.
I left my bed and took a stroll in the hospital garden. Embracing the gentle wind as it breezes through the surrounding trees, inhaling an unusual scent of nature. Flocks of birds were crossing the sunset of vibrant orange and pink, feathering their wings through the noisy roads.
The skies in Kuching often brought me back to Kyoto. My life three years ago seemed so distant, so unfamiliar, so bittersweet. As much as it pains my soul, a trip down memory lane is the only way to exterminate thoughts from consuming my mind. As painful as it is, it is THE only way.
These countless decisions pained me. Wishing there is a person I could talk to, a friend I could confide with. I had my sister. But she isn’t here anymore.
Descending into darkness, I cooked up a storm in my head. A usual conversation that turns into a debate. A debate with me, a bolder version of me. My counter self I could never be.
INTERNAL DEBATE:
“Are you an idiot?!”
“Hello to you too!”
“I mean it. Are. You. An. IDIOT?!! I told you to let me in! I can control them. You just had to resort to that! I told you to get rid of the razors! Why was there one?! Now Jin knows about us. Are you happy?”
“Just shut up.”
“You know I’m right. You know it. How long are you gonna swallow yourself in self-pity?”
“Ugh. Fine. I’m an idiot. I screwed up. Happy?”
“Calm your tits. Or nipples now that you don’t have those. Sheesh. Are you or are you not gonna talk about his confession??”
“What about it?”
“Are you accepting it?”
“No.”
“Then are you saying no?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why are you even considering this? He’s perfect!”
“Because I don’t deserve it!”
“What do you mean ‘I don’t deserve it’!”
“You know what I mean! You’re me!!!”
“IDIOTTTTTT!!!!!”
“Why am I even fighting with myself?”
“Because you can’t talk to anyone else, idiot.”
“Just.... go away....”
“Uh, how? We’re basically one.”
“Thanks for pointing that out. Let me know if we can both survive this turmoil.”
“We will if you would just let me in!”
“No!! God knows what you will do. Remember those thugs in the alley?”
“They hurt you!! It was the only way to protect you! To protect us!”
“I’m protecting us! From loving again. Nothing good comes out of it.”
“How would you know?! Has he left?”
“He would if he knew!!”
“‘If’!! Your ifs’ and buts’ never make sense!!”
“I’m being realistic!”
“No, you’re being stupid!!!”
“So what is your plan? I waltz into his arms and say I do, then we’ll live happily ever after? This is not a goddamn fairy-tale!”
“I didn’t say it is! At least I have the guts to try!!”
“I did that once and look what happened!!!”
“If you would just... ”
“SHUT IT!!!!”
END
Talking to myself did not help. Could not help. It is interesting to even remember the conversations I have with myself. Hilarious is the word for myself. Crazy is the word from others.
Sometimes I wonder if this is common among other people. People who have their lives together. People who are happy. People who do not receive voices in their head to kill themselves. People who have a purpose in their life. People who are loved.
Unlike me.
I burst into bubbles of giggles. I am messed up. That is my word. Messed up. Sums up my life.
Is there a replay button I could find? A button to redo every single mistake of my life. “If only” - a phrase my mom used to repeat every day.
“If only I knew it would rain, I would have done the cleaning.”
“If only I knew I’ll be late, I would have gone out an hour earlier.”
“If only I knew this would happen, I would have done better.”
“If only I knew ... I would have .....”
“If only I knew my future, I would have let my heart take my life. Rather than facing and enduring this future.”
If only...
