“Mr Park? Here are your results from your check-up. Everything is great. Have a good day!”
Hospitals.
They are everywhere in my life. As much as I wanted to avoid them.
I knew that particular incident had changed my body. But to what extent... that I will never know.
My body is fine. No problems. No signs of being ill. My heart is perfect.
How about my mind? I chuckled silently.
“Am I fine?” I wondered out loud. Am I sane?
A Relationship
A year had passed; I met a wonderful lady named Rin. She was a year older than me and had a background status with the second largest trading market in Korea. Since both of us are Japanese, we became friends when I did trading with her father’s company.
She was everything I had hoped to be. Positive, bright and pretty.
A part of me held insecurity about being close to an extremely attractive woman. A part of me was uncomfortable about being around another woman without giving away my previous identity. I was constantly overthinking to the verge of checking if I am ‘manly’ enough to be seen by others.
Rin was constantly reaching out to me, finding things to do together. Her enthusiasm threw me off. Although her energy was contagious, there were times when I had to take a day off from meeting her to recharge my inner introverted personality.
“Yumi! Let’s have lunch together.”
“Yumi! I found this restaurant that serves good western food. Would you accompany me for dinner?”
“Yumi! I saw this and I thought it would suit you. Blue suits you best.”
Although she seemed to be interested in me, I had to ignore her feelings and shrug her actions off as I was not ready to accept a relationship. I was still coming to terms with my new gender identity. Without figuring out myself, I had no energy to dive into a relationship without her knowing I was a woman before. Although our friendship deepened, I was careful to never let this relationship surpass into romance.
Nevertheless, problems began occurring.
Don’t worry. It’s nothing ginormous. It is just the pressure.
Somehow, her father found out about our closer than ‘close friendship’. He is a doting father and wants everything for his only daughter. So he made a suggestion for me to start dating her. Okay, it may sound more like a threat to me. But he was harmless.
Being thrown with a decision to make, I was dumbfounded and reached a brick wall. Finally, I discussed it with Yuriko and she asked me to try dating her. She meant well. And she wanted to give a push.
She knew it was hard for me. She was the first to know. Everything about me.
My past. My identity. My Decision. And the consequences that came with it.
Before we submitted the adoption papers. We made a vow. No secrets. No lies. I knew hers. She knew mine.
She didn’t push for a decision. She knew. She wanted me to consider. Maybe I could have a normal relationship despite my gender exchange. Maybe this could work out.
Maybe I can be normal. There and then, I made my decision.
I asked her out.
“Rin, I-I want to ask. Uh.. tomorrow is valentine’s day... Would you... Will you... Do you want to... Have dinner with me?”
Do not blame me. Nor Judge me.
It was my first time asking someone out. I held my breath and waited for her response. Her response threw me off and made me feel guilty.
“Yes! YES YUMI! Let’s have dinner” She squeals in my ear.
Okay~ Even I have to admit. That was cute.
I smiled unknowingly. “Okay. I’ll pick you up at six.”
Until then, I honestly did not know how long she had been waiting for a date invitation or for me to make a move. Our relationship began. On February the 14th.
Honestly, it was great.
She was great.
We went to the movies, went to parks, went on a drive, and went on travels and vacations. I kissed her, we held hands... We were just like any normal couple. We were the perfect couple at events, the perfect couple that met through work, the perfect couple that was blessed by everyone.
However, I was feeling remorseful and guilty because I did not entirely love her. I like her because she is easy to be with, she is smart, she smells good, she is kind and I enjoy dating her. Despite that, I did not hold any romantic feelings toward her.
Whenever I was with her, I felt guilt and confusion suffer in my heart. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted her to know the real me. But I was afraid.
As I wonder how I should convey my true feelings towards her, an incident happened unexpectedly.
This incident.
It killed me.
It pained me.
It broke me.
It made me recall my terrible past.
It made me realize how love could be so cruel and harsh.
